Jul 16, 2014

Jul 14, 2014

Walmart Moms have no patience for sons that walk too slowly....

Get under that cart and shut up!

He said to me ... .. ........ Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

He said: Shall we try swapping positions tonight Babe?

She Said: "That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart" 

A friend asked his Mom for $5 million.....

He said: "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"

She said: "Look in the mirror and turn sideways!"

Dumbest History Exam Answers Ever... No 1 -

The following are actual exam answers taken from a group of 17 year olds:
  • Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

SMART ARSE ANSWER For The Week.......

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

"What are my choices?" the man asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

Jul 12, 2014

Our Settings Are Different....

Biology Class - final exam

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk', worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

Jul 10, 2014

Little Larry is back in the Spotlight Again.....

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

Why do you do that, mommy? he asked.

 To make myself beautiful, said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

What's the matter, asked Larry Giving up?

Jul 9, 2014

He said:" How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?" She said:.. ..

She said:.. .."I don't know, it has never happened. ." 

SPONGES: Are are female...,

because they are soft, squeezable and retain  water.

Aussie Humor - Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a flyswatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Another Smart Arse Answer .........

A truck driver was driving along on a country road.  A sign came up that read 

" Low Bridge Ahead."

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars were backed up for miles.  Finally, a police car arrived.

Thepoliceman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver,

 "Got stuck, eh?"

he truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"

I bought a dog the other day. I named him ..


It`s fun to ...call him...

"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane.

Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

He`s an East German Shepherd. Very disciplined.

Signs that You Just can't make up...........No Senior Citizens....

Jul 8, 2014

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, myjob......

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, my job, my savings, 

Social Security, retirement funds, etc.,

I called the Suicide Hotline.

I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited,

and asked if I could drive a truck!

Two blondes walk into a building...........you'd think at least one ofthem would have seen it.

You would think that one of them had seen it!

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane....

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.  Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim  if he'd like a drink.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts...

The shrink says,: Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." 

Men Vs Women ....Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for?

Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for?

Husband: Nothing.

Wife:  Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an  hour??

Husband: I was just looking 4 the expiry date.


A Drunks Legal Rights.....Bad Aussie Humor

A  female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.

> She tells the man, "You have the right to remain silent
- Anything you say, can and will be held against you."

 The drunk says:  "Tits."

A man walked out to the street and immediately catches a taxi in New York City....

A man walked out to the street and immediately catches a taxi in New York City.

The cabbie says, "Perfect timing, you're just like Brian."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Jul 7, 2014

Implants are for life...

The joke of the day: Change of name. Three Chinese, Bu, Chu and Fu,wanted to emigrate to America.....

 Three Chinese, Bu, Chu and Fu, wanted to emigrate to America.

After a while they decided to become American citizens, and therefore decided to change their names to

something that seemed more American.

Bu changed his name to Buck,  Chu changed his name changed name to Chuck and

Fu ......changed his mind and went back to China.

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, wasdrafted by the Army.....

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Joke of the Day - The Sniffer Dog........

A man settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever between them in the middle seat.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on  the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing  dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.'

Jul 6, 2014

A Story about Larry.....And the new Teacher

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!”

After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you're stupid, Larry?”

“No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

Today's Cartoon ..... It's about Pigs

Guess who is the Millionaire - you have 5 seconds....

Jul 5, 2014

Sunday Smart Ass Answer ..... The Policeman got out his car.....


The policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said.

The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Why do so many Australian men suffer premature ejaculation?....

Why do so many Australian men suffer premature ejaculation?

Because they have to rush back to the pub to tell their mates what happened!

Today's Cartoon.....The Toothbrush Talking to ....

Today's Management Advice.....

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.

Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

Joke Of The Day - Stealing A Bus....

Because they’ve spent all their cash on booze during a night on the town, Dave and Eric have no money for a taxi home.

Dave has a drunken idea. “Let’s steal a bus!”

Jul 3, 2014

Little Johnny Strikes Again.......

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Last night I got so drunk that when I got .........

Last night I got so drunk that when I got to the bottom of the stairs,
I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.

Then I crept upstairs very quietly, so as not to wake the kids or my other half.

It was only when I got to the very top I realized I was still 

on the bus home.

Chauvinistic Quick Joke; When I Was In The Pub......

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dickheads saying

that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they new the pilot was a woman.

What a pair of sexist twats.  I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Jul 2, 2014

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver'slicense.......

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test

The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One is a male super hero, the other is an instruction!

Joke Of The Day..... The Silent Treatment....

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.  

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM

for an early morning business flight.

Male Sex Joke....Q. What's the ultimate rejection?

A. When your masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

I may not be every ones cup of tea. But I am someones...