Oct 17, 2017

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS


A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, ' Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own. so does she...

One Star Accommodation....



Oct 13, 2017

Why you can’t send a woman to a hardware store?


Dave was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.

At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Carl was finished, Mary asked “How much for the teapot?”

Carl replied, “That’s silver and it costs $300!”

“My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!” Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Earl had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Carl yelled, “Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?”

Mary replied, “No, but I will for the teapot.”

Always buy a bigger bottle...


Sep 26, 2017

Puns and One Liners Of The Day....



We all have to live with the mistakes we make in life........................

I have to sleep with mine as well.

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Fool your friends on social media into thinking you've lost weight.

Simply buy a huge pair of jeans and take a selfie standing inside them.

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Be careful if you're thinking of getting a rescue cat

My Nan had one. She slipped and fell and the cat literally sat there and did nothing!

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American Express "If you fall ill, we will find you a doctor who speaks English" 
Yeah, good luck with that if you're in England.

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I can't believe people used to think the Earth was flat.

Morons. There's hills on it and everything.

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Kardashian publicity meeting: 

..."No we can't do another sex tape. Let's just skip that part and cut right to the pregnant part this time."

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Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat?..

Then I remember they just feed off attention.

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Drugs or alcohol are never the answer.

Unless someone asks me, "what are you doing next weekend?"

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We all have to live with the mistakes we make in life........................

I have to sleep with mine as well.

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I don't usually tell dad jokes.......... but when I do he laughs.

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I had sex with a hooker last night.

I must have been pissed...

I can't even remember going into the rugby club.

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I was having a dip at the swimming pool when the lifeguard asked, “What have you got there?”

I replied “Hummus”

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Why did Bono fall off the stage?

He was too close to The Edge.

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Always keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge, just in case anyone wants a black coffee.

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Milk is the fastest liquid on earth. 

It's pasteurized before you even see it.

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Kids Logic..... Makes sense!


Men vs. Women.. Aussie Nicknames

men-vs-women01

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains..

Joke of The Day - The Wife's Affair....


????????????????????????????????????

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch Her in the act.

For £100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money'

HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your Chelsea season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

This is an example of why men die younger than women, (Do not try this at home) -

men die younger

Sep 24, 2017

One Liners / Puns of The Day....



My wife looks super hot without glasses. That's why I stopped wearing them!

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Health Advice: if you took all of the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die...... You're Welcome

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Tongue and lip piercings are so passé. I’m getting my teeth crookened at the unorthodontist.

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2017 the year I’m finally going to get my shit toget.........

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I'm against topless sunbathing as it can cause skin cancer…….....Wear hats people!

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Blonde" Can you teach me to do the splits " ?
Gym Instructor- " How flexible are you " ?
Blonde " Well..I can't make Tuesday's " .

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Homophobia is stupid.............. Who the hell is afraid of homes?
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Advice: Christen your children 'Player 1' and 'Player 2' so they wouldn't have to waste time changing their names on computer games.

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Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

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I used a copy of Womans magazine to kill a fly this morning. It read the first 3 pages out loud, and then it shot itself.

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A recent study shows: 49% of people are not good with grammer while the remaining 56% are bloody horrible at mathmaticks.

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Did you hear about the new facility Kraft Foods is building in Israel?
It’s called "Cheeses of Nazareth".

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Save water they said.......... Shower with a friend they said........... Who knew they meant my friends?

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Mommy, does Barbie come with Ken?... No dear, she comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken!

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I've been staring at this bench press for 3 days now and I feel exactly the same.

This "Weight Watchers" diet is a hoax!

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What do you call a letter from a feminist? Hate male.

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Advice - Be a Minimalist. It's the least you can do.

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This what happens when the Best Man arranges the Wedding Cake -

wed cake

Men can be soooooo considerate and thoughtful.....

Considerate-man

How to please a women with ONLY 3 . 5 inches.... Secret Now Revealed...

how to please a woman

Sep 23, 2017

Argument with the wife - advice sought.....


A Mans VERY logical answer to not having a bathroom mirror.....

mens mirror

Adams Family Humor....


Puns and One Liners Of The Day.....



The tooth fairy is evil. It encourages young kids to sell body parts.

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As a kid, Aunt Zelda conned me with tales of tooth fairies, Santa, Easter bunny. I don't fall for that crap now, thank God!

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I love summer water fights at the park with all the local kids. I was champion last year. No one's a match for me and my kettle.

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My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.

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Good news for insomniacs! 

Only 10 sleeps until Christmas!

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“Now you're married how’s your sex life?” 

“A bit like my Ferrari”

“You haven’t got a Ferrari” 

“Exactly.......”

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Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

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The tooth fairy is evil. It encourages young kids to sell body parts.


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Sep 20, 2017

Now here is a HOT Chick with a great tan and big breasts...

Hot chick

The world's most expensive Vibrator....


Corny Off Beat Humor - Toast....



Puns Of The Day....

How many beers does it take to get a tropical bird drunk?
Toucans
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Sleeping pills are such a pain. You have to wake them up before use.
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A good meteor shower can really rock your world.
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Helped a guy find his empty wallet once. He told me "I don't know how to repay you."
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A man has died due to his obsession of taking photos of himself next to a boiling kettle. As one relative put it "He had serious selfie steam issues."
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The wife was getting all angry about climbing a hill this morning.......

. I told her just to get over it
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Joke Of The Day....


A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. Other than the bartender there's no one else in the place. Suddenly he hears a voice that says, "Nice suit."

He looks around and doesn't see anyone. The bartender looks busy washing glasses. Soon after, the same voice says, "Nice tie." The guy looks around again, wondering what in the hell.

He finally asks the bartender if he's said something. "No," replies the bartender, "I didn't. Might have 
been the peanuts, though. They're complimentary."

Jul 12, 2017

I clicked on a link for a naked Trump leak.....

Turned out it was just fake nudes.


Joke Of The Day - getting married in heaven...

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

Off Beat Relationship Humor....


Off Beat Dog Humor..


Salt that expires?