Sep 24, 2017

One Liners / Puns of The Day....



My wife looks super hot without glasses. That's why I stopped wearing them!

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Health Advice: if you took all of the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die...... You're Welcome

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Tongue and lip piercings are so passé. I’m getting my teeth crookened at the unorthodontist.

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2017 the year I’m finally going to get my shit toget.........

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I'm against topless sunbathing as it can cause skin cancer…….....Wear hats people!

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Blonde" Can you teach me to do the splits " ?
Gym Instructor- " How flexible are you " ?
Blonde " Well..I can't make Tuesday's " .

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Homophobia is stupid.............. Who the hell is afraid of homes?
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Advice: Christen your children 'Player 1' and 'Player 2' so they wouldn't have to waste time changing their names on computer games.

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Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

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I used a copy of Womans magazine to kill a fly this morning. It read the first 3 pages out loud, and then it shot itself.

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A recent study shows: 49% of people are not good with grammer while the remaining 56% are bloody horrible at mathmaticks.

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Did you hear about the new facility Kraft Foods is building in Israel?
It’s called "Cheeses of Nazareth".

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Save water they said.......... Shower with a friend they said........... Who knew they meant my friends?

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Mommy, does Barbie come with Ken?... No dear, she comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken!

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I've been staring at this bench press for 3 days now and I feel exactly the same.

This "Weight Watchers" diet is a hoax!

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What do you call a letter from a feminist? Hate male.

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Advice - Be a Minimalist. It's the least you can do.

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This what happens when the Best Man arranges the Wedding Cake -

wed cake

Men can be soooooo considerate and thoughtful.....

Considerate-man

How to please a women with ONLY 3 . 5 inches.... Secret Now Revealed...

how to please a woman

Sep 23, 2017

Argument with the wife - advice sought.....


A Mans VERY logical answer to not having a bathroom mirror.....

mens mirror

Adams Family Humor....


Puns and One Liners Of The Day.....



The tooth fairy is evil. It encourages young kids to sell body parts.

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As a kid, Aunt Zelda conned me with tales of tooth fairies, Santa, Easter bunny. I don't fall for that crap now, thank God!

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I love summer water fights at the park with all the local kids. I was champion last year. No one's a match for me and my kettle.

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My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.

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Good news for insomniacs! 

Only 10 sleeps until Christmas!

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“Now you're married how’s your sex life?” 

“A bit like my Ferrari”

“You haven’t got a Ferrari” 

“Exactly.......”

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Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

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The tooth fairy is evil. It encourages young kids to sell body parts.


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Sep 20, 2017

Now here is a HOT Chick with a great tan and big breasts...

Hot chick

The world's most expensive Vibrator....


Corny Off Beat Humor - Toast....



Puns Of The Day....

How many beers does it take to get a tropical bird drunk?
Toucans
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Sleeping pills are such a pain. You have to wake them up before use.
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A good meteor shower can really rock your world.
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Helped a guy find his empty wallet once. He told me "I don't know how to repay you."
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A man has died due to his obsession of taking photos of himself next to a boiling kettle. As one relative put it "He had serious selfie steam issues."
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The wife was getting all angry about climbing a hill this morning.......

. I told her just to get over it
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Joke Of The Day....


A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. Other than the bartender there's no one else in the place. Suddenly he hears a voice that says, "Nice suit."

He looks around and doesn't see anyone. The bartender looks busy washing glasses. Soon after, the same voice says, "Nice tie." The guy looks around again, wondering what in the hell.

He finally asks the bartender if he's said something. "No," replies the bartender, "I didn't. Might have 
been the peanuts, though. They're complimentary."

Jul 12, 2017

I clicked on a link for a naked Trump leak.....

Turned out it was just fake nudes.


Joke Of The Day - getting married in heaven...

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

Off Beat Relationship Humor....


Off Beat Dog Humor..


Salt that expires?


May 3, 2017

Joke Of The Day.....



Joke of the day:

In the countryside of Ireland, Mick’s wife went into labour in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Mick" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another little one to come yet."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

Then Mick scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

Looks Legit!


I'm no bird expert, but.....