Jul 12, 2018

Joke Of The Day - A woman visited a psychic of some local repute...

A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. 

In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news:

"There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. 

Your husband will die a violent death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. 

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.

She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I get away with it?"

Chainsaw Fail - [VIDEO]

My ass is on....

Tonight when I get home really late from the pub, I'm going to...

Employee hid $1,200 worth of meat in his pants

She's had a tough life...

Medication for those whom are easily OFFENDED!

My wife left me today because....

Jul 11, 2018

Joke Of The Day; After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife..

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. 

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. 

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. 

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice,

 ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'..

Dog Yoga - It's this easy Human! [VIDEO]

Nice Melons....

I've recently developed an irrational fear of elevators...

This is Ralph......

Corny Horse Humor....

Cake? Nope, we haven't seen....

A lamb, a drum and a snake....

Jul 10, 2018

Joke Of The Day; A Wife's Loving Relationship Seminar Advice to Attendees.....

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" 

All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart." Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.

Below are 12 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean.

6. What the hell did you do now?

8 Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day. (My personal favorite!)

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

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A Mime Artist broke his....

I'm no Doctor, but.....

Deep Thought..... Bra

When Dating...

Deep Thought Of The Day; I think my wife is....

A strange but effective Divorce Request....

Jul 5, 2018

Joke Of The Day; Little Johnny's Breakfast; Mexican Boarder..

Little Johnny's Breakfast - - - - -

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast. 

To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'. 

'Very good', says the teacher. 

Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. 

'I had bugger all', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'. 

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer. 

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions. 

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada.

Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast. 

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question. 

Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Mexican border?' 

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Mexican boarder is in bed with my mother, 
That's why I got bugger all for breakfast’

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Tell us about your day Dad....

What do we want? HEARING AIDS....

Cover Me!

Experts say alcohol and caffeine is....

Don't you just hate it when.....

My Doctor diagnosed me with...

Jul 4, 2018

Joke Of The Day; The Bridge - A man on his Harley was riding along a ...

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, 

God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over
anytime I want."

God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the
bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it,
but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. 

Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. 

Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she
cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge...?"

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Chicken Conspiracy?

Diet Tip; Eat Food Off...

A romantic dinner for two...

Look at you. You got so big....

Marriage / Business Deal...

People have described me as.....

Jul 3, 2018

Joke Of The Day; The Pastor asked if anyone would like to....

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise." 

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." 

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

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