Mar 19, 2018

Joke Of The Day - A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly ....

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. 

“Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once.


We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get

MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.

Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving!”

Always Look Where You Are Going - Safety First...[VIDEO]

Fail Humor - You only had one job!

A White Girl Facebook Starter Pack...

Off Beat Dilbert Humor....

Off Beat Medical Humor....

Oct 29, 2017

Hillary Clinton Literature...

Joke Of The Day - Black Testicles

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,Sir.

I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again,

'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, 
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,....

'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?

Oct 24, 2017

Teen Commandments....

1. Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(why wait that long)

2. Thou shall not do drugs.
(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)

3. Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Wal-Mart has a bigger selection)

4. Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)

5. Thou shall not steal from your parents.
(everyone knows grandma has more money)

6. Thou shall not get into fights.
(Cat fight anyhow...just start them.)

7. Thou shall not skip class.
(just take the whole day off)

8. Thou shall not wear revealing clothes in class.
( Hooters pays more)

9. Thou shall not think about having sex.
(like Nike says, "just do it")

10. Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
(just leave 'em in the middle)

Oct 17, 2017


A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, ' Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own. so does she...

Oct 13, 2017

Why you can’t send a woman to a hardware store?

Dave was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.

At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Carl was finished, Mary asked “How much for the teapot?”

Carl replied, “That’s silver and it costs $300!”

“My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!” Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Earl had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Carl yelled, “Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?”

Mary replied, “No, but I will for the teapot.”

Always buy a bigger bottle...

Sep 26, 2017

Puns and One Liners Of The Day....

We all have to live with the mistakes we make in life........................

I have to sleep with mine as well.


Fool your friends on social media into thinking you've lost weight.

Simply buy a huge pair of jeans and take a selfie standing inside them.


Be careful if you're thinking of getting a rescue cat

My Nan had one. She slipped and fell and the cat literally sat there and did nothing!


American Express "If you fall ill, we will find you a doctor who speaks English" 
Yeah, good luck with that if you're in England.

I can't believe people used to think the Earth was flat.

Morons. There's hills on it and everything.


Kardashian publicity meeting: 

..."No we can't do another sex tape. Let's just skip that part and cut right to the pregnant part this time."

Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat?..

Then I remember they just feed off attention.

Drugs or alcohol are never the answer.

Unless someone asks me, "what are you doing next weekend?"

We all have to live with the mistakes we make in life........................

I have to sleep with mine as well.

I don't usually tell dad jokes.......... but when I do he laughs.

I had sex with a hooker last night.

I must have been pissed...

I can't even remember going into the rugby club.

I was having a dip at the swimming pool when the lifeguard asked, “What have you got there?”

I replied “Hummus”

Why did Bono fall off the stage?

He was too close to The Edge.

Always keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge, just in case anyone wants a black coffee.

Milk is the fastest liquid on earth. 

It's pasteurized before you even see it.


Kids Logic..... Makes sense!

Joke of The Day - The Wife's Affair....

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch Her in the act.

For £100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money'

HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your Chelsea season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

Sep 24, 2017

One Liners / Puns of The Day....

My wife looks super hot without glasses. That's why I stopped wearing them!


Health Advice: if you took all of the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die...... You're Welcome


Tongue and lip piercings are so passé. I’m getting my teeth crookened at the unorthodontist.


2017 the year I’m finally going to get my shit toget.........


I'm against topless sunbathing as it can cause skin cancer…….....Wear hats people!


Blonde" Can you teach me to do the splits " ?
Gym Instructor- " How flexible are you " ?
Blonde " Well..I can't make Tuesday's " .

Homophobia is stupid.............. Who the hell is afraid of homes?
Advice: Christen your children 'Player 1' and 'Player 2' so they wouldn't have to waste time changing their names on computer games.


Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.


I used a copy of Womans magazine to kill a fly this morning. It read the first 3 pages out loud, and then it shot itself.


A recent study shows: 49% of people are not good with grammer while the remaining 56% are bloody horrible at mathmaticks.

Did you hear about the new facility Kraft Foods is building in Israel?
It’s called "Cheeses of Nazareth".

Save water they said.......... Shower with a friend they said........... Who knew they meant my friends?


Mommy, does Barbie come with Ken?... No dear, she comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken!


I've been staring at this bench press for 3 days now and I feel exactly the same.

This "Weight Watchers" diet is a hoax!


What do you call a letter from a feminist? Hate male.


Advice - Be a Minimalist. It's the least you can do.


Sep 23, 2017

Argument with the wife - advice sought.....

Adams Family Humor....

Puns and One Liners Of The Day.....

The tooth fairy is evil. It encourages young kids to sell body parts.

As a kid, Aunt Zelda conned me with tales of tooth fairies, Santa, Easter bunny. I don't fall for that crap now, thank God!

I love summer water fights at the park with all the local kids. I was champion last year. No one's a match for me and my kettle.

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.


Good news for insomniacs! 

Only 10 sleeps until Christmas!

“Now you're married how’s your sex life?” 

“A bit like my Ferrari”

“You haven’t got a Ferrari” 


Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

The tooth fairy is evil. It encourages young kids to sell body parts.


Sep 20, 2017

The world's most expensive Vibrator....

Corny Off Beat Humor - Toast....

Puns Of The Day....

How many beers does it take to get a tropical bird drunk?
Sleeping pills are such a pain. You have to wake them up before use.
A good meteor shower can really rock your world.
Helped a guy find his empty wallet once. He told me "I don't know how to repay you."
A man has died due to his obsession of taking photos of himself next to a boiling kettle. As one relative put it "He had serious selfie steam issues."
The wife was getting all angry about climbing a hill this morning.......

. I told her just to get over it