Apr 18, 2014

Today's Cartoon - An Easter Wish..... (Happy Easter Folks)

The Radio........

This letter was sent to the Kirkcaldy High School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.
This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

Dear Kirkcaldy High School ,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the Raith home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

Joke Of the Day-Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' thebreeze.



Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

Joke - The Burglar and the Loving Wife

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.

Apr 17, 2014

Men Vs Women - When I was in the pub.....


When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dickheads


saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.


What a pair of sexist twats. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Apr 16, 2014

Joke of the day; Man And The Beaver - An 86-year-old man went to hisdoctor for ......

An  86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the  86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.'


I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.  "So what do you think about that Doc?" 


The doctor considered his question for a minute and  then began to tell a story. 

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter  and never misses a season."


One day he was setting off to go hunting.  In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking
cane instead of his gun." 


"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver  sitting at the water's edge.. 


He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't  shoot the magnificent creature. 

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if  it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. 

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. 


The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."


The doctor replied , "My point exactly.

Apr 15, 2014

Today's Bad Taste Joke.....Americans Jeff & Jim are Siamese twinsjoined at the hip....

Americans Jeff & Jim are Siamese twins joined at the hip.

They walk into a bar in New York & order a couple of beers. Barman serves them and asks "You guys been on vacation yet?"

"We're off to England next week" says Jeff "We go every year."

Barman says "England's great; the culture, history, the Queen. "

Jeff replies "We don't go for that shit, it's the only chance Jim gets to drive the f**king car."

Today's Rude Cartoon - 'Warning - Gay Nudist Beach!..

Today's Chauvinistic Joke.... My Girlfriend has just asked me how many women I've shagged....

My girlfriend has just asked me how many women I've shagged.

I said, 'I really don't want 2 answer that love, you know I've had a past & I don't want 2 upset you!'

'C'mon' she said, 'I can handle it!'

So I had to sit there and count them all.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, you, 10, 11, 12.

Apr 14, 2014

ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER-----HILARIOUS!...........

Please excuse the language, but we know what they mean !

Subject: ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER-----HILARIOUS!...........

This letter is a thing of great beauty (even if the language is a bit strong)...

You definitely feel the guy's pain!

"Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone
number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my Mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be
absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f**king address !

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden?

I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?

If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd
want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30.

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?

Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe makes sense. You'd rather have us running all over the f**kin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons) Hey, do you know why we
couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed
An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this
country since 1776 ........ I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world. ........

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN F**KING PAKISTAN !"

Real Men Advice; No 1 - It's OK for a Man to cry ONLY Under the Following Circumstances:

It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss's car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

Funny Photo - It's a matter of Priorities......

A Quick Irish Funny - A Light Attraction



In the countryside of Ireland, Mick’s wife went into labour in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Mick" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another little one to come yet."


Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.


"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.


Then Mick scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

Apr 8, 2014

Faceless Humor .....Good Morning, I'm fromthe Red Cross

Click on the image to get a clearer view.....

The 6 Dumbest Reactions To Titanic Being Back In Movie Theaters....

6. People who think Titanic 3D is a remake:


People who think Titanic 3D is a remake:








5. People who didn't know Titanic was a real boat:


People who didn't know Titanic was a real boat:












4. This person who is proud that their great grandfather worked on the Titanic:


This person who is proud that their great grandfather worked on the Titanic:



3. People who think Rose and Jack were real people:


People who think Rose and Jack were real people:















2. People who think Titanic is a new movie:


People who think Titanic is a new movie:

This question was asked on Tumblr.


1. The one person who thinks Kate Winslet sang "My Heart Will Go On":


The one person who thinks Kate Winslet sang "My Heart Will Go On":

Apr 7, 2014

NOT Politically Joke - Sex with Ghosts....

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies .

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

Todays Rude Joke.....My son told me "Dad, I would like to have atattoo." **WARNING-Explicit Graphic Photo!!!

My son told me - Dad, I would like to have a tattoo.

Religious Humor - Two Clever Nuns..........

There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. 

Joke........An Italian Mother

Mrs.Rosa comes to visit her son, Anthony, for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.

Rude One Liner....A mother in law said to her son's wife whenthe baby was born....

A mother in law said to her son's wife when the baby was born,

"I don't men to be rude but the baby looks nothing like my son!"

The daughter in law promptly lifted her skirt and said,

"I don't mean to be rude, but this f**king fanny ain't a photocopier!"

Apr 6, 2014

Old Person Joke - Always have a answer......A senior citizen bought a brand new BMW

A senior citizen bought a brand new BMW Z4 convertible and drove it out of the salesroom.

Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120mph; enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Joke Of The Day......Prostate Exam...Thai Style.



After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the Australian Health Service, an Aussie decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand
  where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off. He lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

It's all in the punctuation: An English professor wrote the words....


Apr 5, 2014

Management Advice: WORK VIRUS WARNING! - This is very serious..... NOT!

WORK VIRUS WARNING!


There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.

Todays VERY Rude Short Joke...A girl asks her doctor...


Quick Joke: Men Vs. Women - A man sees a beautiful woman.....

A man sees a beautiful woman.

Approaching her, and in his coolest Barry White tone says:

" If good looks where a minute, you would be an hour"

The woman looks deep into the man's eyes and in her sexiest voice replies:

"If good looks were within your reach, you wouldn’t have any arms."




Old Person Joke - Tender Moments: A woman's husband hadbeen slipping in and out of a coma...

TENDER  MOMENTS

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma  for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. 

One day when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.




Funny Students Test Q and A - Steve was driving his car.......

Click on Picture to Enlarge...

Apr 4, 2014

Scam against Older Men - Fresh From Australia

 Warning: Scam Against Older Men and this is  good

And a  lot of men would have been caught.

 Women often receive  warnings about protecting themselves at shopping centres and in dark car parks etc.

This is the first warning I have seen for men.. I wanted to  pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those  men who may be regular customers at Bunnings, Mitre 10, or even K-Mart stores. This one caught me totally by surprise.

Family Joke - During a dinner party.....

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.

The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going.

The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say...

“You see, it is vanishing cream!”

Quick Sexist Joke - My Girlfriend has just asked how many other women I have...

My girlfriend has just asked me how many other women I've shagged.

I said, 'I really dont want 2 answer that love, u know I've had a past & I don't want 2 upset u!'

'C'mon' she said, 'I can handle it!'

So I had to sit there and count them all.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, you, 10, 11, 12.

Apr 3, 2014

A Non Politically Correct Joke Of The Day - ;There was a man who lost one arm...

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

Breaking News ...... A new Wine for Seniors!

A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted nights sleep.

NEW  Wine for Seniors

I kid you not...

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce

Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot   Grigio wines,

have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be   marketed as......

 
 

PINO MORE

Wife Said: You always carry my photo in your wallet to the office. Why?

Wife: You always carry my photo in your wallet to the office. Why?

Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how  impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see  how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself,  

"What other problem can there be greater than this one?"


That's when the fight started



Smart Ass Joke Of the Day....Little Johnny was at the football...

Little Johnny was at football practice one day and the coach said

"Who here thinks they can jump higher than the goal posts"

Immediately little Johnny said, "Ooh me sir me"

The coach then said, "But Johnny you are the worst in the team!"

Then Johnny said, "I know, but goal posts can’t jump!"

Clean Joke of the day....An couple was in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream.

An couple was in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream.

She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her. 

He asked what was wrong.

She said "I had a dream that I died and you got remarried." she asked him "if I died tomorrow would you get remarried?" he said "sure, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life lonely."

Then she asked "well would you two live in this house?" he replied "sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage." she asked again, angry now "well would she sleep in this bed?"

He snickered and said "yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive, there's no reason to rid of it."

She asked irately,"well would she use my golf clubs?"

He replied with a straight, serious face "no. She's left handed."

An Irish Furniture Dealer Goes To Paris.....

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

Apr 2, 2014

Smart Ass Answer of the Week- A Truck Driver was along a freeway....


A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.

A sign comes up that  reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."

Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

Quick Joke for Today- A Professor was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when he ...

A Professor was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when he turned to her and said, "Let's talk”.

“I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the Professor  "What would you like to talk about?"

 “Hmmmm... How about nuclear power?" said the Professor

Todays Quick Quote - Life is like a penis, simple....

Philosophical Note......


Life is like a penis, simple, relaxed and hanging free . . ..



. .. It's women who make it hard !!


 

Joke Of The Day - 'I have a Little Sat Nav (GPS)" Men Vs Women

I have a little Sat Nav

It sits there in my car

A Satnav is a driver's friend

It tells you where you are.....

**

I have a little Sat nav

Funny Test for the week....If you are over 35 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test

If you are over 35 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the Blanks?

1. _ _NDOM

2. F_ _K

3. P_N_S

4. PU_S_

5. S_X

6. BOO_S



| | | | | | | | | |





Answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

You do NOT have Alzheimer's

You have have SEX ON THE BRAIN - Send it on for a laugh!

Funny Non PC One Liner - At a Pub Trivia Contest, they asked what was....

At a pub trivia contest they asked what was the shortest race in the Olympics?


My response of "Chinese" left some displeased!

Apr 1, 2014

Aussie Humour - Bruce comes home from the Pub & sees Sheila.....

Bruce comes home from the pub and sees Sheila watching Gordon Ramsay's cooking show on the TV

Bruce says; "What are you watching that shit for? You can't cook to save your life!."

To which Sheila replies; "So what? You watch porn movies, don’t you?"

Women Thoughts - "In Every Group Of Friends....

How Come....

Todays Quick Joke: A Female Police Officer...

A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.

She tells the man, "You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say, can and will be held against you."

The drunk says:
"Tits."

Mar 31, 2014

Joke Of The Day... "Learn To Swear"

Learn to swear

A 7-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.

'You know what?' says the 7-year-old, 'I think it's about time we started Swearing.'

The 4-year-old nodshis head in approval, so the 7-year-old says,

When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after Me, ok?'

'Ok' the 4-year-old, agrees with enthusiasm..

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7-year-old what he wants for Breakfast.

'Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up,

And ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4-year-old and asked with a stern voice, ' And what do YOU
Want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f**king Coco Pops'

Just A Quickie... A surgeon operating on a man accidentally cuts off the patient's testicles

A surgeon operating on a man slips and accidentally cuts off the patient's testicles.

He quickly inserts two onions and sews him back up.

One month later, the man goes back for a check-up.

"Any problems?" asks the surgeon.

"A few," explains the man.

"I cry when I pee, my wife gets heartburn after sex and 

I get a hard-on when I see a cheese sandwich!"

Police Joke - A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and ..

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, 

"Is there a problem, Officer?" 

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award.

Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" 

The driver thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart butt when he's drunk and stoned."

The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" 

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

Mar 30, 2014

Very Crude Religious Joke - A Priest goes fishing and hooks a hugefish.......

A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that f**ker!"
 
"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.
 
Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a F**ker fish"
 
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
 
"Look at this huge f**ker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.
 
"Language please! This is God's house," replies the bishop.
 
"No, no - that's what this fish is called,” says the priest.
 
"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that f**ker And we could have it for dinner"..
 
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior.
 
"Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.
 
"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.
 
"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a f**ker" says the bishop.
 
Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "wonderful, I'll cook that f**ker tonight, the Pope is coming for dinner!"
 
The fish tastes just great and the Pope asks where they got it.
 
"Well, I caught the f**ker!" says the priest.
 
"And I cleaned the f**ker!" says the bishop.
 
"And I cooked the f**ker!" says the mother superior.
 
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap,

puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says

"You know what? You c**ts are alright."