Jun 9, 2015

Funny One Liners and Tweets... NOT Politically Correct!


  • Roses are black Violets are black It's late at night I didn't pay bloody the electric bill!



  • If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald's or kebab shops would be doing it.



  • "Opinions are like orgasms, mine matter most and I don't care if you have one." ~ Men



  • Hey, I saw a guy using a pay phone today - I guess someone got kidnapped!



  • My spirit animal died of neglect.



  • Never tell a psycho that they're psycho, because then they feel like they're obligated to prove it.

  • This tweet would get all dressed up and go somewhere special on a Saturday night, but unfortunately it's married.. so it'll just get drunk.



  • Naming your daughter after a luxury car or precious gemstone is a wager with the universe that your parenting can make her not be a stripper



  • My yard is full of bear traps cos I'm a bit concerned about sharing porridge with bears & young girls..



  • I thought I typed "twitter" in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail...



  • DM: "This person is writing offensive posts about you." ME: Oh cool, you follow my mother in law! Tell her I said hi! 

  • Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap? ......You're welcome.



  • If Bob The Builder's slogan is "Can he fix it?" then he's not really a builder- more of a repairman.



  • I don't usually cry from onions, but this BBQ story is so inspirational..



  • My lover said we can't hang out this weekend because she doesn't exist.


  • She asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that's how the fight got started..