Sep 24, 2017

One Liners / Puns of The Day....



My wife looks super hot without glasses. That's why I stopped wearing them!

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Health Advice: if you took all of the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die...... You're Welcome

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Tongue and lip piercings are so passé. I’m getting my teeth crookened at the unorthodontist.

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2017 the year I’m finally going to get my shit toget.........

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I'm against topless sunbathing as it can cause skin cancer…….....Wear hats people!

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Blonde" Can you teach me to do the splits " ?
Gym Instructor- " How flexible are you " ?
Blonde " Well..I can't make Tuesday's " .

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Homophobia is stupid.............. Who the hell is afraid of homes?
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Advice: Christen your children 'Player 1' and 'Player 2' so they wouldn't have to waste time changing their names on computer games.

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Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

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I used a copy of Womans magazine to kill a fly this morning. It read the first 3 pages out loud, and then it shot itself.

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A recent study shows: 49% of people are not good with grammer while the remaining 56% are bloody horrible at mathmaticks.

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Did you hear about the new facility Kraft Foods is building in Israel?
It’s called "Cheeses of Nazareth".

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Save water they said.......... Shower with a friend they said........... Who knew they meant my friends?

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Mommy, does Barbie come with Ken?... No dear, she comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken!

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I've been staring at this bench press for 3 days now and I feel exactly the same.

This "Weight Watchers" diet is a hoax!

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What do you call a letter from a feminist? Hate male.

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Advice - Be a Minimalist. It's the least you can do.

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