Sep 26, 2017

Puns and One Liners Of The Day....



We all have to live with the mistakes we make in life........................

I have to sleep with mine as well.

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Fool your friends on social media into thinking you've lost weight.

Simply buy a huge pair of jeans and take a selfie standing inside them.

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Be careful if you're thinking of getting a rescue cat

My Nan had one. She slipped and fell and the cat literally sat there and did nothing!

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American Express "If you fall ill, we will find you a doctor who speaks English" 
Yeah, good luck with that if you're in England.

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I can't believe people used to think the Earth was flat.

Morons. There's hills on it and everything.

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Kardashian publicity meeting: 

..."No we can't do another sex tape. Let's just skip that part and cut right to the pregnant part this time."

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Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat?..

Then I remember they just feed off attention.

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Drugs or alcohol are never the answer.

Unless someone asks me, "what are you doing next weekend?"

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We all have to live with the mistakes we make in life........................

I have to sleep with mine as well.

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I don't usually tell dad jokes.......... but when I do he laughs.

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I had sex with a hooker last night.

I must have been pissed...

I can't even remember going into the rugby club.

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I was having a dip at the swimming pool when the lifeguard asked, “What have you got there?”

I replied “Hummus”

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Why did Bono fall off the stage?

He was too close to The Edge.

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Always keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge, just in case anyone wants a black coffee.

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Milk is the fastest liquid on earth. 

It's pasteurized before you even see it.

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